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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
My last post deserves WAY more likes than that....let`s go people....chop chop!
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."