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I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.