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Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.