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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.