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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Check this one out.........1
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?