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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.