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I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married