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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria