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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
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My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.