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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Better late than pregnant.
Can I get likes for no reason?