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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
High-five a veteran today.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.