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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.