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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".