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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!