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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?