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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)