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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)