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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?