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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.