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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.