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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
about love
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.