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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.