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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.