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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.