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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
AWESOME!
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.