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I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house