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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I’m in no shape to exercise.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.