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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.