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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...