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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married