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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."