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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Find someone you`re good at.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
My anger management class pisses me off
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.