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First fart at my new job.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.