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I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....