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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious