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The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.