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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.