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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.