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I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?