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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Long story short, I love summaries
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one