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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
I play hard to get along with.