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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
The only dates I get are updates.
Valentines day
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.