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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.