Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.