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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.