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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.