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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Hard butter is the devil.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.