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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.