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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!