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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.