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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.