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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...