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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.