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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I say the things better left unsaid.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.