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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.