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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats