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Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.