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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.