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My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"