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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)