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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.