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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
What’s the answer to this question?
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?