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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
I wish I could veto MY bills.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.