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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”