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My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.