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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.