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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.