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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.