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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.