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You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass