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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.