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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there