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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)