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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.