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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.