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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.