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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.