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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!