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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I just ran a .003048K
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them