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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly