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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.