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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.