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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.