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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.