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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.