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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.