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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(