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When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.