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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
That`s not how I met your mother.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?