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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!