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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk