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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.