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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!