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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.