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My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.