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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!