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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.