Daily Silly Status

Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.

I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END

I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.

When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.

Trust me, I am a liar.

You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.

Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.

I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops