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only 9530 days until retirement.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.