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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.