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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
Some people should come with subtitles.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.