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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.