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Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.